spinning

Sweet moments like this keep me going.

The lonliness and frustration are seeping in like a thick fog. I try to fan them away with singing, dancing, laughter and prayer but it keeps coming back thicker than before. We are two weeks into Chad being gone for 4 months and I feel like we should be almost halfway or something. Longest two weeks ever. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to stay engaged but I find that I keep checking out. I try to tell myself that I can do it, I can handle it. After all I've done it before right? Adjust already Shell. Give those kids what they need. Be everything...come on keep up. Then the fog floods my head and I'm checked out. Exhausted and sitting on the couch I stare at the wall like somehow the answers are going to be written there by the hand of God. (He's done it before for the old testament folks so why couldn't he do it for me?) However, the answers fail to appear and I'm roused from my trance to the sounds of whines, yelling, and "mama can I have..". Guilt floods my body and I respond with irritation which only feeds the flow. Cyclical. We go round and round. These kids are gonna think I'm bipolar when they look back on this. One minute we are dancing around in the kitchen and I'm the ticklemonster and the next I'm telling them to all just sit down and be quiet because my head can't handle one more ounce of this insanity! Well boys, I hope that someday this blog is actually something you can and do go back and read to learn more about your family and childhood. If you do then you will be able to hear from the me right now that I love you...SO much. I love your laughter. I love your humor, your hugs, I love when you hold my hand as we walk and when you climb up into my lap. I love your energy and enthusiasm even though at times it's that very energy that I feel is my trial. I would give anything for you and nothing could make me wish for anything other than a life with you. And so does your dad. That is the very reason he is giving up pieces of his life in order to provide a better one for us. I walk with you the best I can figure out how right now and hopefully I will get progressively better at it. But even if I don't, even if I'm always the same me that I am now I pray that you will love me and someday understand what I'm going through as I try to give you everything, knowing that I can't. But I'll still try because you deserve it. So hold my hand and spin with me while we figure this thing out.