Unraveled

I wish I had a husband to fight with, glare at and complain about right now. Instead I have an empty void in my heart. I want to reach out and hold him but he's not there. I want to tell him why I'm mad at him but he's not there. I want to love him but he can't hear me, can't feel me. I want to hear about his bad day, look in his eyes and see the storm in my soul reflected back at me. I want to tell him that he should try harder to contact me, send me a email or SOMETHING but I can't because I have no way to reach my own husband.

They get on that boat and go and POOF there goes the first stitch in your seam. The bathtub breaks and you stand there looking at it helplessly and POP their goes another. Now the jelly jar won't open, the car's not running right, kids are fighting, the baby is crying and you know that, unless you can call someone and collide into their world, you will be alone with it all. Tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night. It will just keep going. Now your seam is unraveled.

Even the sweet moments can hit you hard when you realize your alone and he's missing it all. The baby smiles and hugs. The new words and the bouncing curls. The ever changing imagination and creativity. It makes you want to put everything on pause sometimes and tell everyone to stop growing because you know how it hurts for him when he comes home.

I've been walking around now for two days with both sides of my neck kinked up. I just realized it's because I've been scrunching my shoulders up into my neck. Not even realizing I was stressed out, I was taking it on physically.

When I was a kid and felt alone and helpless I would lay on my stomach in my bed, pull the covers up and around my neck holding onto them with my hands tucked into my chest. I felt all safe and wrapped up that way. Maybe scrunching up my shoulders I am mimicking that position.

I need to stop scrunching up my shoulders and let myself feel this. But it hurts and I don't like it. It buries me and takes my breath away. When I think about the moments he's missing and the touch I can't feel. I feel like it's going to explode out of my body. I suck in a deep breath and feel my shoulders scrunch back up as I stuff down tears. So I let them fall, I let myself crave his touch and shake with hurt and loneliness.

I hate him for making me love him so much. I love him for loving me enough to sacrifice the things that he does in order to build a life for us. There's nothing to say that can describe the conflict of emotion and logic here. It just all swirls around inside refusing to blend and create something that makes sense. Part of me wants to hold onto this feeling forever so I'll never take our time together as anything less than precious. But I know I won't. I know we'll have stupid days where we fight about stupid things and say stupid hurtful things. Because that's what we do, we take each other for granted until we don't have each other. And then POOF we are hit with shock and grief. Filled with why's and what if's.

What if we could live every day like it was out last day together? It has been said so many times but feels so much more important and real in times like this. What if every day I could somehow show him that I love him no matter what? Not because earns it but because I choose to give it to him. I know he loves me and I know we will be together again and have to struggle not with separation but with living together because that's life. I know that the pain I'm feeling right now won't last but somehow that doesn't make it hurt less.

If only I could put my heart into words

If only they could grip you the way my passions grip me

I wish you could tast the sweetness of my love

Hear the song of my soul

I wish you could feel the depths of my loyalty

See the breaking of my heart

I wish you could touch me

I could hold you

In the separation and in the darkness I cling to a hope of day

In the lonliness and in the cold I choose to trust

Trust in you, trust in me

Trust the sea will return you to my arms

Our hearts will touch

woods walk wednesday

This wednesday I was struggling with hanging on to my joy. After not sleeping well for several nights the extra amount of fatigue was sucking me down. My kids were going beserk and every noise they made felt like it echoed in my head. I missed my husband...terribly. I ached to be able to just sit and talk with him. I was so looking forward to my regular wednesday time with my favorite Kim only to find that all three of her boys were up all night sick. Poor boys, poor Kim and then "poor me". Loneliness began to creep in and was only magnified by the busyness of everyone I reached out to. This was not my day anymore. Not the day I had planned or hoped for. It was being pulled away from me and the tighter I gripped it the more it squeezed out from between my fingers. Lies began to swirl around in my head. I felt attacked from all sides and I knew I needed to go. I looked outside and sure enough, "thank you God for this sunny day".

I am so thankful for sunny days no matter what time of year it is. But there is something extra fresh and special about a clear fall day to me. It's like an early morning on the farm. It just revives your soul.




I called my dear friend Heather and her ability to be spontaneous did not dissapoint. I have always loved that about her. So we met at Clear Creek Trail and set out. We caught up on each others lives, we played with my camera, we laughed at Adrian's antics and marveled at how content Nathan is to just sit in the stroller and be walked. Lincoln slept peacefully for a good chunk of the walk and the quiet sunshine filled my soul.

It's later in fall so a lot of the dramatic colors are gone but there are still a few beauties hanging on for dear life. It's like they are waiting for someone to whisper to them "just let go". Sometimes I need someone to do that for me when I'm clinging to the things in this life that seem so important tighter than I'm clinging to Jesus. "Just let go Michelle. I'll catch you" he says.

And when I do is when he is able to show me what HE has in mind.



The way He meets me where I'm at and lifts me up is so beautiful. Thank you Jesus for this beautiful day. Thank you for the sweet smiles of my rowdy boys and the companionship of someone who knows me pretty well and loves me anyway.

My joy was restored because God is faithful. I even got some exercise out of it all. Submitting all of the details of my day to God is an ever progressing journey that I am hopeful will become more and more natural to me. Until then I will take one day at a time and trust that when I need someone to whisper to me "let go" that He will faithfully provide that voice.

Nathan's Birthday

Today was Nathan's birthday. It was loud, it was busy, it was crazy but it was sweet. Somehow amidst it all I was able to have small moments of memories. A flash of his birth, his cuddles, his silly faces and his (now growing more frequent) tantrums. It has gone by so quickly and in such a blur it saddens my heart a little. However, with each passing day I get to watch him grow and develop into the amazing
person God has created him to be.





I'm so thankful for Nathan. I'm so thankful for the way he can break a part a stressful moment with a mischievous grin and chuckle.

I love his enthusiasm to go forth and conquer and the way he barely grunts when he totally biffs it. I love the way he gets up and keeps trying. I love the curls that collect on top of his head and the way they all bounce around when he runs. I love how when he runs it looks like someone put springs in his feet and the faster he goes the bouncier and more out of control he gets until he finally bounces off a wall or chair or person passing by.

I would never trade the sweetness he has brought into life even after a billion of our worst days together. Because with Nathan, even on his worst day, there is laughter, smiles and hilarity. I love you Nathan...you fill my heart and bless my soul.























Nathan had four cupcakes because he kept
sneaking up the table when we were distracted.




















Some sweet friends came to help us celebrate and, as a blessing from God, Chad got off work in time to come join us!




















He was SO excited about his new "Word World" books. He just kept saying "ohOH! Woo Woor!" over and over.





Here you can see that party hats make little boys turn into dinosaurs. Rhinoceroses to be exact.






When the day was complete we were all used up so we took some time to watch Word World and cuddle on the couch.
I am so thankful to have a Nathan to celebrate.
I am so thankful to have friends to celebrate with. I am so thankful my husband was here with us.
It was a happy day filled with blessings of love and life.

The good, bad and even the ugly

Being a mom of three very adventurous boys is amazing, mind boggling, confusing and beautiful.

I started this blog as an online memory since my days can blur together in a fog of babies and burping and diaper changes.

I want my boys to know the little details of their childhood and I want to remember the little details of my early days as a mother. I want to remember the good, bad and even the ugly. I want to lock away the toy cars, trains and puzzles so someday when my last boy packs off to college I can sit down alone and we can all be together again.

I lack the smooth flowing poetry of so many others who blog about their families. I lack the time and the creative brain cells to make it something that would send chills of connection down any ones spine or cause me to coin a new catch phrase. Sometimes that intimidates me and makes me not want to write, until I remember that this is about me and my boys not the people who aren't even reading my blog.

I remember that God gave me them as their mother for a reason and that's something to be proud of because they are pretty amazing.

Sometimes I don't know what's harder...being a mother or accepting who I am as a mother...the good, the bad and the ugly. Then I remember, because it's written on a sticky note on my computer, that I am a daughter of God who loves me no matter what. That's all he's asking of me; is to love my children no matter what and allow Him to love me no matter what.

So I'll just be me and they can just be them. I will piece our story together one unpoetical story at a time in hopes that someday it will all come together like a puzzle and make sense. I want to remember it all.