Babies need their daddy. Babies adore their daddy. 
To wrestle, tickle, chase and hold. They need his authority and strength of heart. They need the way he challenges them; the way he fences them in with loving protection but simultaneously encourages them in their search for independance.
But sometimes they just can't be together like they need to. It's only for a time, but all the same it makes their (and my) hearts ache. They are so small they don't know what that squeeze in their chests means. But I do.
There is a space in the air that is quiet and empty. There is a touch that is craved but not felt. A voice that has quieted. Time to them is so abstract. They hear the words "he'll come back" and look around for him as if the only existence they have is right now and if he's not here right now then he's just gone.
Once again the sea has stolen my heart and now to watch it steal the hearts of my children makes it break just a little deeper. They cry these deep heaving sobs and all I can do is hold them and tell them it's ok even though I'm choking down my own and am not so sure it is ok.
So I try to sit with them a little longer and speak a little gentler....but I don't always. Sometimes I just want to be left for a minute to sort out my own feelings, feel my own grief. Funny thing about babies, they don't allow you time or space to "sort" or "wallow". They make you keep moving. They make you think outside of just yourself. Even greater than my own need for my heart to be tended to is the need for their hearts to be tended to and guided through the feelings of loss and vacancy.
So here we go again. Babies need there daddy and so do I . God please fill these empty aching spaces. When I start to choke and drown, please Lord, pull me up. I know I can't be enough for all their hurt but you can. Help me to trust you with there hearts, my heart, his heart. Fill the void and be my fence of protection; my light of truth and hope. Be the strength that keeps me walking even when it hurts in the deepest parts of me.
I'm all in Chad. Under the weight of it all and even in the most painful moments, I'm all in. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I want nothing more than to touch the ghost that stands in front of me. Until then, I will do my best to love, honor and protect the union we have. I will try to fill the spaces for our boys and trust that where I fall short God has it covered. I love you. I will wait for you. Come home.
