spinning

Sweet moments like this keep me going.

The lonliness and frustration are seeping in like a thick fog. I try to fan them away with singing, dancing, laughter and prayer but it keeps coming back thicker than before. We are two weeks into Chad being gone for 4 months and I feel like we should be almost halfway or something. Longest two weeks ever. I don't know what to do with myself. I try to stay engaged but I find that I keep checking out. I try to tell myself that I can do it, I can handle it. After all I've done it before right? Adjust already Shell. Give those kids what they need. Be everything...come on keep up. Then the fog floods my head and I'm checked out. Exhausted and sitting on the couch I stare at the wall like somehow the answers are going to be written there by the hand of God. (He's done it before for the old testament folks so why couldn't he do it for me?) However, the answers fail to appear and I'm roused from my trance to the sounds of whines, yelling, and "mama can I have..". Guilt floods my body and I respond with irritation which only feeds the flow. Cyclical. We go round and round. These kids are gonna think I'm bipolar when they look back on this. One minute we are dancing around in the kitchen and I'm the ticklemonster and the next I'm telling them to all just sit down and be quiet because my head can't handle one more ounce of this insanity! Well boys, I hope that someday this blog is actually something you can and do go back and read to learn more about your family and childhood. If you do then you will be able to hear from the me right now that I love you...SO much. I love your laughter. I love your humor, your hugs, I love when you hold my hand as we walk and when you climb up into my lap. I love your energy and enthusiasm even though at times it's that very energy that I feel is my trial. I would give anything for you and nothing could make me wish for anything other than a life with you. And so does your dad. That is the very reason he is giving up pieces of his life in order to provide a better one for us. I walk with you the best I can figure out how right now and hopefully I will get progressively better at it. But even if I don't, even if I'm always the same me that I am now I pray that you will love me and someday understand what I'm going through as I try to give you everything, knowing that I can't. But I'll still try because you deserve it. So hold my hand and spin with me while we figure this thing out.

Family Day

This was our last family day before Adrian started kindergarten and we rose to claim it. It was sweet...full of laughter and hugs. Looking back on itmakes me a little sad because of the attitude I've been catching from Adrian since he started school. We were in such a good place and I wanted to make that sweet time last forever but I know that, like all things in life good and bad, nothing stays the same forever. If it did I would lose the joy of that time as it all just became something I expected. So we take the next step forward and are feeling our way through it little bits at a time. Anyway, this was a particularly sweet day for which I am very grateful.

This was Lincoln's favorite spot, his very own beachwood horse that he rode and bounced on with as much enthusiasm as could possibly be mustered over such a thing.

Seeing Chad's love for his boys makes my heart melt. I'm so lucky to have a husband that is so totally in love with his kids and thank God for every day we get to spend together as a family.

Time is treasured and sweet with the love of my life, my best friend.

Adrian decided to lay down and enjoy the scenery halfway up the hill. I guess it's the male version of "stop to smell the roses"...it's "stop and take a quick nap".

They were so excited for Lincoln to catch up. It was hilarious, you would've thought they hadn't seen each other in months!

Group hugs with three boys can get pretty rowdy and someone almost always ends up being choked..in a loving way.

Like I said there was lots of hugging.Run little boys run. Have no care for the world around you, just feel the sun on your face and the ground moving away from your feet. "I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return." Phil. 1:9,10

First Day of Kindergarten

Having a morning cuddle before take off.

Adrian launched into his first day of kindergarten like an old pro. True to his style he wasn't one bit intimidated. When I asked if he was gonna miss me so much he quickly responded "no, I'm gonna miss you just the right amount my precious mommy." Ha! Smooth as butter that kid. It was really hard for me to let him go.

I didn't have the camera to take pictures at his classroom because I was pushing Nate and Lincoln in the stroller. Adrian charged right in, headed straight for the teacher and started showing her how he can hop on one foot. I wonder how long it will take him to start doing pushups for her. He told me at the end of the day that he liked her and she had a pretty shirt. He also told me he got lost once (very matter of factly). I asked him if he was scared when he got lost but he just said "no, I was just playing and got lost but there was someone to tell me where to go." He loves it. He absolutely loves it.

He knows that sound. That's the ice cream truck...now just to find it. C'mon ice cream truck, get here already, I'm a hot and hungry boy!




















Doing a happy dance while waiting for the ice cream truck.
Nate of course is all business...he'll believe it when he sees it. Once he sees it though he's all dimples and clapping.

I didn't get any good pictures of them actually eating the ice cream because as soon as they got their ice cream mass chaos broke loose. Everyone wants it open at once, Nathan decides he wants Lincoln's instead of his but he doesn't want anyone else to have his, he just wants to hold it, Adrian is shoving his into his face as fast as he can while also giving me a volume 10 narrative about the antics of Nathan and Lincoln. All the while Lincoln is shaking with anticipation over his cone that is being coveted by Nathan and is trying to take bites of it before I even have it unwrapped.

Aaaahh the joy of summer. It's funny to relive it from this new view. Seemingly small things become big adventures and seemingly big things turn out to be not all that important. They can wait.

Lincoln and Nathan

Nathan and Lincoln are starting to have a lot of fun playing together. It's cute to watch Link imitate his older brother and see Nathan respond. Sometimes Nathan just wants to push him over but there are a lot of times where he involves him and takes turns. Nathan will make a funny face, Lincoln will imitate him and they'll both laugh and then it will just go back and forth.

They are learning to be brothers, buddies and adversaries all at the same time. I have to admit that sometimes when they start to fight over a ball I can't break it up because I'm laughing so hard. Nate stomping his feet and yelling while Lincoln flails his arms around and squawks back at Nathan. It's like two mad monkeys.













My turn...












your turn whether you like it or not.







Lincoln's a happy boy. He sleeps good at night, he laughs easily, he's quick to give a hug or blow a kiss and is a absolute blessing to have as part of our family. Somedays I wish I could press pause and wait for Chad to get back so he won't miss any more of it. I guess that's what video camera's are for and I'm just so thankful to have the boys. They test me, stretch me, challenge me and each one is a part of me and a part of Chad. That is so precious and somedays is the very thing that holds me together (even though there are some days where I think they are gonna make me pop apart ;)

Nate's Day

After staying with Grandma and Grandpa Easley for several days it was time to go see my family. Cool thing was I left Adrian and Lincoln the Easleys! Two whole days of just me and the Natester. He was still having a hard time with adjusting to Chad being gone and now we threw in a road trip to California...he was getting pretty fragile. With his quiet and quirky personality he sometimes doesn't get the attention the others do unless he has a meltdown. And that's not the kind of attention anyone wants. So off we went just him and I.

I took him to the beach. A day at the beach, just him and four adults to pay attention to how cute he is. Oh heaven.
I loved being able to just take my time getting him used to the water. We'd go in a little way, then he'd run out because he was scared of the waves. Each time we went right back in and each time he went in a little further. Until finally he just was loving it. He loved when they would crash through him. I think it made him feel strong because he was still standing. Sometimes it takes a little force pushing into us to show us our strength. He really showed those 2 inchers he's tough.

He LOVED the water, any time I took him through a wave he'd say "yeah!" and then start pointing at the next one coming and say "big wave, big wave!". When he got tired he still didn't want to get out of the water he just wanted someone to stand in the water holding him. If I tried to go out he'd shout "no no!" and point back to the waves saying "wadoo".

Getting to swing with Auntie Lissa and Grandma and shouting "wahoo" as we walked through the waves. The love of the ocean is in his genes I guess.

Auntie Lissa and her boyfriend Chad (yep same first and middle name as my Chad AND their birthdays are 6 days apart AND they are both military). His curls are starting to get sunkissed. There is just no way I can cut them now! He's just gonna be my little surfer dude.

He's looking at Grandma shouting "WADOO!" (water) over and over as they make the first walk to the water. Grandma do you see this? Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?? Look at all that WADOO! Looking at his face you would have thought he was at Disneyland.

I love Nate. I loved my time with Nate. I treasured the extra moments I had to soak him in and just observe him, his mannerisms, the funny way he says things, his contentedness and definately his enthusiasm.

It was of course also sweet to get my other boys back and to see them with fresh eyes. They are so much to handle all at once sometimes but they all bless my heart so fully. I loved seeing them just fall back into rythm with each other once they were back together as if they were never apart. That's what being brothers is all about.

A break

We tossed some clothes in a suitcase, packed up the car and drove 1600 miles for this.

And we're happy with that decision.

Bathtime is extra fun in Grandma Roxie's extra big tub!

Adrian making ME lunch for a change. He was SO proud of himself.

Grandpa Golf filling in for daddy by providing some tv and hang out time. While they were in Hawaii Grandma and Grandpa bought each of the boys a new eukulele so they are very excited to have a jam session.

We miss daddy but it sure is nice to have grandpa's and great-grandpa's!

We drove 1600 miles for this.

Adrian's email to Daddy

Adrian's email to his daddy this morning. He talks and I type.

Jesus I hope that you could be with daddy and I love him so much that I want to come back to him and see him on the other side of the world but i can't because we don't have enough money (not sure where he got that from..even if we were loaded we wouldn't get to go see him he's on a submarine!) and it's just so hard cuz I want to be with daddy on the other side of the world and show him my one arm pushups and I love you and I just want to come and be there forever and you could be there forever and we could be with each other forever.

We all miss you and Lincoln and Nathan miss you but they don't know because Nathan is only 2 and Lincoln is 1. It's so hard to miss my daddy. I miss you dad and I miss you and I miss you and I miss you and I miss you and I miss you and I miss you (at this point I recommended he move on and say other things) and I miss you so much that I can't even like go there because we don't have enough money and I will clean up my toys and thank you for telling me that it's always a good thing. I want to come see you with all my ideas and I want to see you and do stuff with you and play with you so I can go there to see you and play with you and do stuff with you.

We are going to see uncle jeff and I know that and we're leaving tomorrow tooo (eye brow raising) California! we really will miss you because we'll be on this side and you'll be on the other side of the world and it's just so hard for you to be on the other side of the world and it's always a dip for you to be there with all your strength and it's always a dip, always a dip and it's so so hard that you won't be able to be there. I'm sorry that you're gone but it's always something and always something and always a dip. (I'm totally lost on what he means by a dip...sometimes when he's at a loss for words he just makes stuff up) I like my toys and stuff and we miss you so much we want to see you. And we are missing you and one day you said you were gonna be on the boat and be on the other side of the world and I knew that cuz you told me.

Kielees mom invited us for her birthday and we are so happy that they invited us and they have tree cupcakes there and I'm gonna eat one so I can smell like a tree haha it's so funny and everyone in this world is gonna be like "why do you smell like a tree?" and it will be because I ate a tree cupcake hehe. And one day when I was in the backyard and mom wasn't looking I ate a tree leaf and when I ate a tree leaf it was so funny cuz my mom wasn't watching me (at this point I'm shaking with laughter as I type because he is totally ratting himself out in front of me) and I was like "aaah I just love this tree leaf and I'm gonna crunch it up" and I was like wow I ate a leaf and I was so full that I would not eat another leaf cuz I only ate three and it made my tummy so full.

You are so nice to work for our money so we can have a house. You are the nicest daddy ever you do what you do. I will see you in a few nomths and we can play everything and do stuff. One time when we were going to California we went on an airplane but now we have a car that we can drive to California. I want to paint with you. paint goodbye.

Adrian (4 yr)

Babies and daddy

Babies need their daddy. Babies adore their daddy.

To wrestle, tickle, chase and hold. They need his authority and strength of heart. They need the way he challenges them; the way he fences them in with loving protection but simultaneously encourages them in their search for independance.

But sometimes they just can't be together like they need to. It's only for a time, but all the same it makes their (and my) hearts ache. They are so small they don't know what that squeeze in their chests means. But I do.

There is a space in the air that is quiet and empty. There is a touch that is craved but not felt. A voice that has quieted.

Time to them is so abstract. They hear the words "he'll come back" and look around for him as if the only existence they have is right now and if he's not here right now then he's just gone.

Once again the sea has stolen my heart and now to watch it steal the hearts of my children makes it break just a little deeper. They cry these deep heaving sobs and all I can do is hold them and tell them it's ok even though I'm choking down my own and am not so sure it is ok.

So I try to sit with them a little longer and speak a little gentler....but I don't always. Sometimes I just want to be left for a minute to sort out my own feelings, feel my own grief. Funny thing about babies, they don't allow you time or space to "sort" or "wallow". They make you keep moving. They make you think outside of just yourself. Even greater than my own need for my heart to be tended to is the need for their hearts to be tended to and guided through the feelings of loss and vacancy.

So here we go again. Babies need there daddy and so do I . God please fill these empty aching spaces. When I start to choke and drown, please Lord, pull me up. I know I can't be enough for all their hurt but you can. Help me to trust you with there hearts, my heart, his heart. Fill the void and be my fence of protection; my light of truth and hope. Be the strength that keeps me walking even when it hurts in the deepest parts of me.

I'm all in Chad. Under the weight of it all and even in the most painful moments, I'm all in. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I want nothing more than to touch the ghost that stands in front of me. Until then, I will do my best to love, honor and protect the union we have. I will try to fill the spaces for our boys and trust that where I fall short God has it covered. I love you. I will wait for you. Come home.

Valentines with Adrian

I loved making these with Adrian and was so happy he's going to preschool just because of the fact that it MADE me do it. I had forgotten all about Valentines Day and making crafty things until 9 p.m. the night before. We stayed up and had a great time, just him and I, crafting away.

There was glitter glue all over my table and I didn't even care (evidence of God's work in me for sure ;) ) We just talked and cut and glued.

Be you. My favorite one. He put those words together without realizing the encouragement of them to me or how much they describe him. Be you, be free to love with your heart wide open. Go to school in your muscle costume as much as possible. Shout out to your teachers and friends how much you love them with no shame of who's looking. Hug your mom endlessly throughout the day with little outbursts of "you're my best mom ever". Rock out on your ukele, stomping and banging your head to "Jesus loves me". Show the lady at church you just met your onehanded push ups. Be you Adrian, I love it that way.

Look at how many bananas we have in this picture. That will last us like 2-3 days!! Happy Valentine's Day to my little monkeys....even though I'm posting this about a month and a half late ;P