Joy

Joy, joy, the joys of being young. No inhibitions holding you back. No knowledge of the world's pain and darkness. No care of anything but the right now moment.
Oh the right now moments...how sweet they can be.

A "way cool" thing about raising kids...

you can show them how fun things can be. You can point them to jolliness and set them loose on it. "Hey boys! See these leaves spread all over the ground? Watch how fun they can be when you rake them into a pile!"

This kind of joy and enthusiasm is soooo contagious. I can't help but giggle just looking at the pictures and thinking about how much fun they had running back and forth jumping into the air with wild abandon and falling into the middle of it.


Birth order, bossiness and who's in charge all turned into comradery, uncontrolled laughter and...wait for it....joy.

So Cal is a little behind in the changing of seasons...because they have seemingly eternal amounts of summer...so yes it is the middle of December and yes there are Christmas lights everywhere buut these leaves just made there way to the ground. And since it's not very cold here even when it's "cold" we played for a good long time.

Take the laughter and store it up for a rainy day. It's times like these that get us over the next hill. Days like this that restore our souls and remind us that there's hope for something more. Their is fun out there waiting to be had so why sit in the sad corner? Go find some jolliness and make it happen. Rake that "mess all over the yard" into "the new exciting thing to do".


And smile big...don't forget to smile big.

Gravity

I never got a chance to start writing this when I was still all full to the brim with warm fuzzies.
Funny thing about warm fuzzies....they don't last. Good ol' gravity get's me every time. So some of the magic may be gone but that's ok because I still remember it.
I wanted to say things about how only divine intervention could make a trip that good. I wanted to talk about how even though I've never been a "run home to momma" type, this time it felt good to pack it all up and head for the hills. Me, Kim and three kids 4 and under. People helped us and showered love on us. There were moments where I literally felt like I was being carried. The airport angels were strong....and I couldn't have asked for a better friend to help me through it all. .

She carried my luggage, my baby and my broken heart keeping each one safe and protected. I was hurting, missing my Chad, and I needed to go. So together we charged.

We hit the beach on our one day of fun. This beach feels as much like home to me as anywhere. I have a lot of memories stored up here and it was sweet to bring my boys to it. We unleashed them and they loved every minute of it. It was a day full of trusting Jesus with the next minute and watching as he poured out his blessings. Oh have mercy on my soul...

Nathan LOVES his Papa! The boys and I really enjoyed the time we got to spend with them at the Easleys home. As is only God's perfect timing, Chads boat stopped in San Diego for two days while we were there and they let him come see us...
no pictures of that we were too busy soaking up every minute of it.

Lincoln loves anyone who will hold him and there was no shortage of ready waiting arms at the Easley household.


It felt so good to be surrounded by family and laughter. I actually had a reason to cook.


I wouldn't have come alone. I didn't think I could do it. Even with an escort I set out with great hesitation.Thank you dear friend for putting yourself aside and carrying me while I was too weak to walk. Thank you for loving me for all of who I am.

Thank you for teaching me how to, even in difficult circumstances, STRUT.

Now the trick is learning how to do that on my own. There is something increasely difficult about standing firm in who you are, believing in where God is taking you, clinging to the truth of a new life and a new heart and a new being when the world that surrounds you screams of all the old. When those old ugly beasts begin to rear their heads and you don't have anywhere to turn. Every way you go you bump into a wall or trip over those shoes someone left in the hallway and it's midnight and you just want to go pee and get back in bed.

But even as I was typing this up God revealed to me his continuing faithfulness by stirring up conversation with my Dad that addressed every hurt I had, fear I felt and lie that was being spoken in my heart. We talked about the kids and their out of control behavior and how to deal with it better tomorrow. We talked about disciplining with love and we talked about love. I walked away from the conversation feeling loved and listened too. That is new. That is God. That is redemption.

I got an email from Chad today and the last thing he said was, "stay focused on TRUTH, stay centered on GOD, and when you start to lose sight or become distracted by lies, PRAYER will bring you home."

Thank you Chad for the well timed words and thank you God for answering my cry for help.
So gravity may have pulled me back down to earth but I can still jump, I can still run and yes Kim I can still "strut". Tomorrow is a new day and I'm gonna take it and make it mine.

Unraveled

I wish I had a husband to fight with, glare at and complain about right now. Instead I have an empty void in my heart. I want to reach out and hold him but he's not there. I want to tell him why I'm mad at him but he's not there. I want to love him but he can't hear me, can't feel me. I want to hear about his bad day, look in his eyes and see the storm in my soul reflected back at me. I want to tell him that he should try harder to contact me, send me a email or SOMETHING but I can't because I have no way to reach my own husband.

They get on that boat and go and POOF there goes the first stitch in your seam. The bathtub breaks and you stand there looking at it helplessly and POP their goes another. Now the jelly jar won't open, the car's not running right, kids are fighting, the baby is crying and you know that, unless you can call someone and collide into their world, you will be alone with it all. Tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night. It will just keep going. Now your seam is unraveled.

Even the sweet moments can hit you hard when you realize your alone and he's missing it all. The baby smiles and hugs. The new words and the bouncing curls. The ever changing imagination and creativity. It makes you want to put everything on pause sometimes and tell everyone to stop growing because you know how it hurts for him when he comes home.

I've been walking around now for two days with both sides of my neck kinked up. I just realized it's because I've been scrunching my shoulders up into my neck. Not even realizing I was stressed out, I was taking it on physically.

When I was a kid and felt alone and helpless I would lay on my stomach in my bed, pull the covers up and around my neck holding onto them with my hands tucked into my chest. I felt all safe and wrapped up that way. Maybe scrunching up my shoulders I am mimicking that position.

I need to stop scrunching up my shoulders and let myself feel this. But it hurts and I don't like it. It buries me and takes my breath away. When I think about the moments he's missing and the touch I can't feel. I feel like it's going to explode out of my body. I suck in a deep breath and feel my shoulders scrunch back up as I stuff down tears. So I let them fall, I let myself crave his touch and shake with hurt and loneliness.

I hate him for making me love him so much. I love him for loving me enough to sacrifice the things that he does in order to build a life for us. There's nothing to say that can describe the conflict of emotion and logic here. It just all swirls around inside refusing to blend and create something that makes sense. Part of me wants to hold onto this feeling forever so I'll never take our time together as anything less than precious. But I know I won't. I know we'll have stupid days where we fight about stupid things and say stupid hurtful things. Because that's what we do, we take each other for granted until we don't have each other. And then POOF we are hit with shock and grief. Filled with why's and what if's.

What if we could live every day like it was out last day together? It has been said so many times but feels so much more important and real in times like this. What if every day I could somehow show him that I love him no matter what? Not because earns it but because I choose to give it to him. I know he loves me and I know we will be together again and have to struggle not with separation but with living together because that's life. I know that the pain I'm feeling right now won't last but somehow that doesn't make it hurt less.

If only I could put my heart into words

If only they could grip you the way my passions grip me

I wish you could tast the sweetness of my love

Hear the song of my soul

I wish you could feel the depths of my loyalty

See the breaking of my heart

I wish you could touch me

I could hold you

In the separation and in the darkness I cling to a hope of day

In the lonliness and in the cold I choose to trust

Trust in you, trust in me

Trust the sea will return you to my arms

Our hearts will touch

woods walk wednesday

This wednesday I was struggling with hanging on to my joy. After not sleeping well for several nights the extra amount of fatigue was sucking me down. My kids were going beserk and every noise they made felt like it echoed in my head. I missed my husband...terribly. I ached to be able to just sit and talk with him. I was so looking forward to my regular wednesday time with my favorite Kim only to find that all three of her boys were up all night sick. Poor boys, poor Kim and then "poor me". Loneliness began to creep in and was only magnified by the busyness of everyone I reached out to. This was not my day anymore. Not the day I had planned or hoped for. It was being pulled away from me and the tighter I gripped it the more it squeezed out from between my fingers. Lies began to swirl around in my head. I felt attacked from all sides and I knew I needed to go. I looked outside and sure enough, "thank you God for this sunny day".

I am so thankful for sunny days no matter what time of year it is. But there is something extra fresh and special about a clear fall day to me. It's like an early morning on the farm. It just revives your soul.




I called my dear friend Heather and her ability to be spontaneous did not dissapoint. I have always loved that about her. So we met at Clear Creek Trail and set out. We caught up on each others lives, we played with my camera, we laughed at Adrian's antics and marveled at how content Nathan is to just sit in the stroller and be walked. Lincoln slept peacefully for a good chunk of the walk and the quiet sunshine filled my soul.

It's later in fall so a lot of the dramatic colors are gone but there are still a few beauties hanging on for dear life. It's like they are waiting for someone to whisper to them "just let go". Sometimes I need someone to do that for me when I'm clinging to the things in this life that seem so important tighter than I'm clinging to Jesus. "Just let go Michelle. I'll catch you" he says.

And when I do is when he is able to show me what HE has in mind.



The way He meets me where I'm at and lifts me up is so beautiful. Thank you Jesus for this beautiful day. Thank you for the sweet smiles of my rowdy boys and the companionship of someone who knows me pretty well and loves me anyway.

My joy was restored because God is faithful. I even got some exercise out of it all. Submitting all of the details of my day to God is an ever progressing journey that I am hopeful will become more and more natural to me. Until then I will take one day at a time and trust that when I need someone to whisper to me "let go" that He will faithfully provide that voice.

Nathan's Birthday

Today was Nathan's birthday. It was loud, it was busy, it was crazy but it was sweet. Somehow amidst it all I was able to have small moments of memories. A flash of his birth, his cuddles, his silly faces and his (now growing more frequent) tantrums. It has gone by so quickly and in such a blur it saddens my heart a little. However, with each passing day I get to watch him grow and develop into the amazing
person God has created him to be.





I'm so thankful for Nathan. I'm so thankful for the way he can break a part a stressful moment with a mischievous grin and chuckle.

I love his enthusiasm to go forth and conquer and the way he barely grunts when he totally biffs it. I love the way he gets up and keeps trying. I love the curls that collect on top of his head and the way they all bounce around when he runs. I love how when he runs it looks like someone put springs in his feet and the faster he goes the bouncier and more out of control he gets until he finally bounces off a wall or chair or person passing by.

I would never trade the sweetness he has brought into life even after a billion of our worst days together. Because with Nathan, even on his worst day, there is laughter, smiles and hilarity. I love you Nathan...you fill my heart and bless my soul.























Nathan had four cupcakes because he kept
sneaking up the table when we were distracted.




















Some sweet friends came to help us celebrate and, as a blessing from God, Chad got off work in time to come join us!




















He was SO excited about his new "Word World" books. He just kept saying "ohOH! Woo Woor!" over and over.





Here you can see that party hats make little boys turn into dinosaurs. Rhinoceroses to be exact.






When the day was complete we were all used up so we took some time to watch Word World and cuddle on the couch.
I am so thankful to have a Nathan to celebrate.
I am so thankful to have friends to celebrate with. I am so thankful my husband was here with us.
It was a happy day filled with blessings of love and life.

The good, bad and even the ugly

Being a mom of three very adventurous boys is amazing, mind boggling, confusing and beautiful.

I started this blog as an online memory since my days can blur together in a fog of babies and burping and diaper changes.

I want my boys to know the little details of their childhood and I want to remember the little details of my early days as a mother. I want to remember the good, bad and even the ugly. I want to lock away the toy cars, trains and puzzles so someday when my last boy packs off to college I can sit down alone and we can all be together again.

I lack the smooth flowing poetry of so many others who blog about their families. I lack the time and the creative brain cells to make it something that would send chills of connection down any ones spine or cause me to coin a new catch phrase. Sometimes that intimidates me and makes me not want to write, until I remember that this is about me and my boys not the people who aren't even reading my blog.

I remember that God gave me them as their mother for a reason and that's something to be proud of because they are pretty amazing.

Sometimes I don't know what's harder...being a mother or accepting who I am as a mother...the good, the bad and the ugly. Then I remember, because it's written on a sticky note on my computer, that I am a daughter of God who loves me no matter what. That's all he's asking of me; is to love my children no matter what and allow Him to love me no matter what.

So I'll just be me and they can just be them. I will piece our story together one unpoetical story at a time in hopes that someday it will all come together like a puzzle and make sense. I want to remember it all.

Today I woke up feeling like this



and it never really changed. But it's ok because some days are just that way. That's why we have family.

Magic magic maaagic

Adrian has been talking about magic a lot today, I think because we heard a song on the radio that sings "magic magic maaagic" over and over.

In the car he said "Hey guys?! You know I have lots of magic. It's in my body. Look! You can see it coming out!"

Nathan is having a talking spurt just in the last couple weeks. He is finally making a consistent effort to say/repeat words. Help and Out and Down all sound like "Oow?". Come to think of it, quite a few of his words sound like "Oow?".

The boys and I are enjoying the summer weather lately. Clam digging with Dad, playing in their $14 pool in the back yard and a couple days ago we went to the lake. Adrian had been playing quietly in the water by himself for a little bit, while all the other kids were running around in the grass. After a while he came out of the water and with all seriousness shared his latest problem with me. "Mom, (hands held out dramatically emphasizing) I can't catch a fish. They keep running away from me...I think they think I'm a WHALE. I keep telling them 'it's ok fishy I'm not a whale' but they keep swimming away."

Nathan

Natey Nate figuered out today to put the right colored blocks on the matching color peg! He was SO proud. Adrian and I cheered him on; he was so excited that as soon as he finished he would dump them all off and start again. Anytime he put one on the wrong peg he would immediately bend over it and say "uh oh" in his deepest no no voice. He is also starting to sound very clear when he say "I want daddy" and "all done".

Adrians prayer

Adrian had a pretty good day today even though he threw a few pretty awesome fits (in public too). We had some talks about how he needed to change his heart and let Jesus shine his light in. After throwing a fit about not wanting to eat dinner he finally got up to the table to eat with Nathan and I. I asked if he would like to pray to which he heartally agreed and said (with no prompting) "Dear Jesus, please help me to obey and not have darkness in my heart. Put your light in my whole body. Amen" :)

Daddy's at sea

Chad has been gone for three days now. I'm not sure what is harder, missing him or watching the kids miss him. Both Adrian and Nathan have been more needy and fragile. Nathan randomly starts crying and saying " I want daddy!" then he'll stop and move on. Adrian falls apart at the smallest things and when I hug him he squeezes me so tight and crys for his daddy until I think my hard is going to explode into a million pieces.
We all miss Chad. We all love Chad. He is the center of our home. His energy is contagious and I think we all miss his companionship, his friendship. I love my husband so much and am so thankful that God has brought us together as a tight knit family the way that he has. Come home soon Daddy, we need you.

Thoughts brought to you by Adrian

Driving in the car today Adrian asked, "Mom, how does God jump down here from the sky? Does he have a big giant slide?"

Adrian got his first REAL scrape yesterday. It was quite the adventure. While he was outside playing in the street with the neighbor kids he fell off the skate board, scraped up his elbow and promptly sat down to scream bloody murder. His little friend Eric came riding up to the window shouting "emergency! emergency!". Sweet boy, every 2 min for the next half hour as soon as Dad would say "see you're ok, it will still hurt sometimes....AAAAAHAHHAHAA!" it would start all over again. We put a big bandaid on it and he walked around all through today with his arm hangly limply to his side, useless and damaged. He came up to me today, wrapped his arms around me and said " I love you mom. (pat pat) you're soo special."
Nathan is 18 months old now, he's growing up way to fast. He still just seems like a baby to me. Yesterday he said water and today he said kitty. Just once though. If you try and get a repeat out of him he clams up and grunts. He followed me, or more appropriately stalked me, all day today wanting to be held. Anytime I tried to put him down he would raise his legs in the air so they wouldn't touch the ground and cry "na na na" (no no no). It made me feel very loved.
Lincoln is 3 months already and holding his head up really good for tummy time. If you put him in his little floor play gym he justs smiles and smiles and the music star as if he smiles big enough it will play him more music. So I walk by and hit the button for him because I want him to know that his smiles do make music. :)
I love my boys.

It is so hard to get this kid to sit still for a split second. He was really hamming it up for the camera today and I was getting frustrated but these came out cute. I feel like they really capture his enthusiastic little personality.